October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. These thirty–one days bring to light what often lies hidden in the shadows—the broken hearts of moms and dads who have children whose lives were cut short before they began. Even in their silence, they inwardly ache that others might see their loss. They want to be seen. They want their child to be seen. Their hearts echo the refrain: Won’t you grieve with me?
One in Four | Are You One?
An estimated 26% of pregnancies end in miscarriage. That’s one in every four pregnancies. Are you one? Is it your best friend?
Someone you know—likely many someones—has experienced the loss of a child. Sometimes the loss is so early that only the mother—and perhaps the father—even knows. Others may have been further along—showing visible signs of being with child only to lose the baby to stillbirth or through complications shortly after birth.
No matter the length of life, the loss of a child is painful.
According to WHO (World Health Organization), “Many women who lose a baby in pregnancy can go on to develop mental health issues that last for months or years– even when they have gone on to have healthy babies.”
No matter the length of life, the loss of a child is painful.
Grieve Alone
Despite the statistics that point to the large number of miscarriages that take place and the effects on the women who experience them, many couples continue to face this loss alone—grieving privately—all while fielding questions like, “So—when are you going to start a family?”
For those who choose vulnerability, the responses lean calloused or insensitive:
“That’s too bad.”
“You can try again.”
As if creating a life were an audition for a play!
Not Alone
Though some choose to grieve privately, it seems many would welcome the company as they mourn their loss.
In her song, Missing Peace, JJ Heller sings:
“I can’t close the distance
between what I feel
And what I know is true.”
Women who bear the pain of losing a child know they can “try again.” They hope and pray for a viable pregnancy that leads to that first glorious and life-giving breath. They hope to feel something other than excruciating pain.
But they also need to hear: “I’m so sorry.”
They desire to no longer feel alone in their grief.
Whether that’s—
meals or a text message that says, “I’m here.”
a card in the mail or groceries on the doorstep
a silent sitting beside her or a good long cry in your arms
Whatever you do, don’t leave her alone.
In a sermon about grief and difficulty, I heard these words: “Our suffering needs community.”
Will you be her community?
“Our suffering needs community.”
—Brandon Wash
He Remembers, Will You?
When David was captured by the Philistines, he cried out to God. He said, “You keep track of my misery. Put my tears in your leather container! Are they not recorded in your scroll?”
God sees.
God remembers.
“You keep track of my misery. Put my tears in your leather container! Are they not recorded in your scroll?”
Psalm 56:8
If you’ve lost a child, God sees you.
If you feel that no one remembers, God does.
If you know a woman who has lost a child,
she desperately needs to be seen.
If you know a woman who has experienced loss,
she needs you to remember.
Grieve With Me | A Song
I wrote the words below after reading the story of a couple who had experienced both the loss of a child in early pregnancy as well as a child they birthed stillborn. They were bewildered by the silence of friends, family, and church members. They were stunned by the nonchalant responses of “You can try again,” and “You’re so young.”
They longed for compassion and presence but were met with insensitivity and absence.
Might we change the narrative? Might we be the community those mourning the loss of a child desperately need? How will we respond to their request to “grieve with me?”
Grieve With Me
That’s too bad.
Oh well.
You can try again.
Maybe next time
You’re so young
Maybe it was meant to be
So we’re gonna leave you alone
It’s better if we leave you alone
Yes, too bad
Oh well
We can try again
Yes, maybe next time
We’re so young
Maybe it was meant to be
But I don’t wanna be alone
Please don’t let me grieve alone
Won’t you grieve with me
Won’t you grieve with me
Your silence is deafening
Grieve with me
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